#29 EdM – Feedback and criticism

The important difference or who wants to control whom here?

Episodes of mediation.

The podcast on practical questions about mediation and conflict management.

Welcome to the episodes of mediation,

the INKOVEMA podcast on the practical issues of mediation and conflict management.

I am Sascha Weigel and in this podcast I explain case questions from my mediation and conflict counselling practice. I present concepts and models of mediation and categorise different perspectives and decision-making options.

Chapter

0:09 Introduction to feedback and criticism

1:03 The difference between feedback and criticism

3:05 Feedback as a self-control process

4:50 Criticism in the context of mediation

7:22 Coaching and permission to criticise

8:26 Feedback in organisational contexts

9:24 Conclusions on feedback and criticism

Summary of content

Feedback or criticism? - An important distinction

In this episode of the INKOVEMA podcast, I talk about a topic that is often overlooked but is central to my work as a coach and mediator: the Difference between feedback and criticism. In my view, this distinction is important - especially when it comes to how we communicate and relate to each other.

I talk about my own experiences from my coaching and mediation practice and how I regularly invite my clients and mediators to give me feedback. This feedback helps me to improve, learn and reflect. For me, this is crucial: Feedback always starts with the Person who says something about themselves would like to experience. It is a Pro-active self-control process. I - person A - specifically ask others (person B, C, D ...) how they perceive and assess me. Only with this inner willingness is it a feedback process that can be fruitful and lead to a learning process.

Criticism on the other hand, is often introduced in a completely different way. It often comes from outside - i.e. from B, C or D - and is something, that the other person wants to get rid of. Maybe something is bothering them, maybe they want to clarify or change something. The problem with this is that the person A addressed does not necessarily have to have requested this exchange; sometimes it is reasonable for them or A has generally(!) consented to it. They may not be prepared or open to this form of feedback. In my view, this is a crucial difference that is far too rarely taken into account - with far-reaching consequences for communication in organisations, teams or even in personal relationships.

When I talk about "feedback", I don't mean a euphemism for (well-trained, i.e. reeled off) criticism, but a conscious, controllable process. Feedback is voluntary, based on a searching movement - I want to find out something about myself. Criticism, on the other hand, is often experienced as external control - it can be useful and necessary, but is also quickly perceived as intrusive if it comes without being asked.

This distinction becomes particularly clear when working with managers or in mediation. In a coaching context, the willingness to receive feedback is usually a given. In mediation, on the other hand, a sensitive feel for the dynamics of criticism is required - especially when it comes to the role of the mediator themselves. Here, it is important to reflect carefully on your own judgements and impulses and not to fall prematurely into a critical stance.

I also talk about a misconception that I often encounter: that feedback is always constructive, friendly or helpful - and that criticism is automatically authoritarian or negative. It's not like that. In my view, the relationship between sender and receiver is far more important: who wants what from whom - and is the other person prepared to hear it or say it? Every role is risky!

With this episode, I would like to provide more clarity. What is your overall assessment of this topic?

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Complete transcription

[0:02]Welcome to the mediation episodes of the INKOVEMA podcast on
[0:09]
Introduction to feedback and criticism
[0:06]the practical issues of mediation and conflict management. I am Sascha Weige and in this podcast I explain case questions from my mediation and conflict counselling practice. This is Episode 29 - Feedback and criticism - The important difference. Last time in coaching, not long ago. Feel free to criticise me, that's what I'm here for. And then a short time later, I think the next day, in the context of a couple's mediation, a little side note. Feel free to criticise me here. Both if I do something wrong here in this mediation, but also in the circumstances that I or my wife will then describe here. That would be helpful for me. I also want to learn something.
[0:54]First of all, these two situations that I have experienced here in practice are commendable, because if people want to learn something, that's first of all,
[1:03]
The difference between feedback and criticism
[1:02]I think that's a good starting point. And then, I was calibrated to this topic, I suddenly saw the sandwich method again in the social media, question marks, increased awareness and a flipchart with the feedback citizen. And then I was told by colleagues that the four-ear model is an excellent way to give good feedback and thus provide an appropriate framework for interpersonal interaction, for wanting to create something together. And in all of this, the important difference between feedback and criticism has simply not been emphasised enough for me. And that's why I want to emphasise this difference in this episode. And I don't want to take into account all the other topics relating to feedback, the background, the psychological categorisation, as well as the sequences and steps. It's the fundamental, weighty difference that is important to me, that it gets across. This message.
[2:08]And the important difference between feedback and criticism is that these are other people who want the dialogue. So the question is, who wants what here? With feedback, a person wants to find out something about themselves, namely how others perceive them, how their actions have affected these people. And this reason for the conversation comes from the person who wants to know. While the criticism conversation is about someone wanting to get something off their chest, preferably addressed directly to this person who, in their opinion, has behaved critically and this criticism must also be mentioned. But the person who now hears or reads this criticism.
[2:56]She doesn't want that at the outset. It may be that in the course of this announcement, there is something critical
[3:05]
Feedback as a self-control process
[3:02]has opened up this inner space to listen to it. But there is a fundamental difference between a person wanting feedback and initiating a conversation for it and someone else initiating the conversation because they have something critical to say that concerns them. And this difference is far too rarely recognised, because if it were recognised, all the steps, all the tricks and tips on how to give good feedback would not be so highly valued. But this is done in training courses and workshops because people think that the person giving feedback only has to do it in the right psychological way for the feedback to be received. But this is simply not the case when it comes to criticism. Feedback is not a control process from person B to person A.
[4:06]Feedback is a self-control process of A for itself, but cannot be realised without B. The term feedback makes this clear. It is a technical term, comes from a technical field where a machine, a measuring device, so to speak, feeds itself with environmental data in order to then react differently. And in interpersonal terms, it means that A wants to find out something about himself and asks B, C, D, E, F, G and then it can.
[4:43]On the basis of this information, decide whether or not to change the behaviour.
[4:50]
Criticism in the context of mediation
[4:50]And if A actually wants feedback, i.e. expresses a willingness to listen to it and to look at himself in the mirror of others, then it is no longer quite so important whether B, C and D followed the sequence correctly and also had the right inner attitude when they said something about how A affects them. Because the decisive factor, A's willingness to learn something about himself from others, is a given. It's completely different in the criticism dialogue. So if B, C, D, E and F and even Z have to say what A has messed up or what A hasn't done well enough or whatever. But A didn't ask for the conversation and didn't ask for the content, regardless of whether it was good or bad.
[5:46]It is important to note that initially this willingness to hear something from A did not come from A, but from B, C and D, who have to say something. For whatever reason, because their role as a manager demands it and the organisation expects it or because cooperation with team colleagues simply doesn't work any other way except by saying critical things. But whether criticism is appropriate is not just a question of content, but also of role. So if, as a mediator, I am asked or requested to say something critical, then I really have to think about it several times, what is it about? So if mediator A comes into the mediation rooms with dirty shoes and makes everything dirty, then there is definitely something critical to say on my part, but how I do it and when I do it.
[6:39]That's another question of tact. But whether I am entitled to criticise the behaviour of the person in conflict.
[6:50]Critical seen becomes. So whether I in these Criticism with play in, itself when I in addition requested will, the is again what whole other. The is one Question, which Picture I me from this Wish to Criticism make or whether the actually one Feedback situation is. And also in the Coaching situation seems me the one important Difference to make. When me a Coachee, a Client says, I may also Critical with him avoid.
[7:22]
Coaching and the permission to criticise
[7:19]Whether I the Permission at all need, is still times one other Matter in Criticism things. But from mine professional Perspective as Coach is these Person anyway there, at itself Feedback to give. To itself Feedback to organise.
[7:34]And the is the good Prerequisite, not the Willingness to criticise. And the makes one Difference, like I me this Person more details, in one Coaching or in one Mediation. I go thereof from, that there ready for feedback Persons sit. And I try to avoid, that there ready to criticise are, because them mine Role so understand, that I in mine Role also what Critical to say would have. The gives already a pair Points, where I what Critical to say would have. But the concerns not the Conflict cases. The concerns perhaps the Question, whether itself to much on Buffet here serves becomes or whether I it appropriate find, that them Independent the Windows simple tear open or, or, or. So whether them itself like a Guest behave or not. But the is one whole own thing. The has nothing with the Contents the Counselling to do.
[8:26]
Feedback in organisational contexts
[8:27]Important appears me so before all Things also in organisational contexts from Teams and Leadership issues, that Feedback not a Instrument of the Leading is. Executives can itself happy appreciate, when them at Feedback requested become. But their Task is it, Criticism to practise, positive like negative. But the Expectations, the to do, goes from the Organisation from. And them may also thereof go out, that their Employees with Criticism ready are, to deal with on constructive Kind and Wise. Because the is to expect. Therefore a last critical Word to this common Demarcation. Feedback is constructive good trained and always somehow positive. And Criticism, na, the sounds already almost to Authority. So is it not. The Question is, who sets the Starting point?
[9:24]Who would like these Contents say? And who is ready, them to hear?
[9:29]Many Thanks to. The was it for this Paint here. in this Podcast series Episodes the Mediation. When you this Podcast support would like, then leave behind but a Feedback on Apple Podcast or on Google Business. Then can I me one Impression make, to what extent these Kind the Topic preparation interesting is. More interesting perhaps also in the Comparison to the Podcast good through the Time, where I Yes with dialogue guests something more detailed and also more abstract about it speak, what Mediation constitutes and Coaching and Consultancy. And here could I so due to of the Feedbacks from you then again me own Thoughts make, in which Sequence I here the Contents set. For the Moment say goodbye I me with you with the best Wishes, like always. Until to the next Times. Come good through the Time and before all Things through this Summer. Yours Sascha, Host this Podcasts and Founder from INKOVEMA, the Institute for Conflict and Negotiation management in Leipzig and Partner for professional Mediation and Coaching training programmes.