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Substitute feelings in mediation.

How a concept from transactional analysis helps mediators to navigate conflicts professionally.

The concept of substitute feelings comes from originally from the field of transactional analysis. It may have been developed specifically for individual and team counselling, but it is particularly helpful for working in conflicts and in the context of mediation.

It touches on biographically sensitive areas of the personality that are particularly sensitive to be addressed and dealt with in social interaction. In mediation, it is not possible or necessary to deal with them completely anyway, but this is precisely why the mediator needs to take a particularly cautious and careful approach. In short, – the concept of substitute feelings is an additional concept that requires special attention - which is precisely why it is worthwhile for mediators.

Despite all tradition and official self-presentation, substitute feelings are the excellent concept of transactional analysis. I can only recommend every manager and mediator to familiarise themselves with this concept and review their work accordingly.

What substitute feelings are

The TA speaks of a substitute feeling when one feeling is perceived and/or expressed instead of anothert. This replacement process is usually unconscious and is or was (in its origins) in line with social adaptation requirements.

Transactional analysis therefore distinguishes between authentic feelings and substitute feelings. Authentic feelings are those that are appropriate to the situation and are spontaneous reactions. Situationally appropriate feelings are those that arise in response to current events and – biophysically relieve tension, so to speak –. From a functional point of view, authentic feelings are useful and helpful. They do their job, you could say casually. Substitute feelings, on the other hand, are learnt reactions, to a certain extent a current reaction to past events in which the substitute reaction was learnt. This distinction cannot always be maintained in practice, but it conveys the idea that substitute feelings are faulty learning outcomes. Or to put it another way: What used to be appropriate under the circumstances at the time need no longer be so today.

Substitute feelings are to the world of emotions what prejudices are to the world of ideas - true blockers and obstructors.

Substitute feelings are therefore attempts to solve past problem situations. They are the stereotypical solution attempts, the dysfunctional but "tried and tested" emotional reactions of today. They cause the very discomfort that is blamed on others in the conflict. In a way, they are the Prejudices of the emotional worlds.

But what are the „actual“ functions of feelings? In the 18. contribution to the 25 basics of mediation you will find an overview of the functions and basic feelings that are helpful to know in mediations.

Functional emotional experience, on the other hand, does not cause permanent discomfort, but has a liberating and relieving effect.

The replacement of a functional and authentic feeling with a substitute feeling is a regular occurrence unconsciously and practised over many years. Therefore, the replacement feeling is created by the person experienced as "real. This is why working with the concept of substitute feelings is particularly delicate and requires a high degree of care and diligence. On the other hand, there are Transformative approaches to mediation work particularly much to gain.

Transformative approaches to mediation work read the 7. contribution of the 25 basics of mediation – What drives mediators: Mediation, equalisation, transformation as guiding principles of mediation.

This is precisely where current conflict resolution also brings about personal development and this is precisely where mediation has a transformative effect. The concept of substitute feelings shows most clearly and very concretely why TA-based mediation has become the style of transformative mediation must be counted.

How substitute feelings arise

Substitute feelings are an expression of past social learning processes. Our emotional life is far more socially and culturally conditioned than we often assume. We learn at an early age which feelings are favoured, desired or even allowed in our social environment, especially by our caregivers, and which appear to be rejected and forbidden or actually are. We learn (and sometimes just mistakenly assume!) which feelings exist (are allowed) and how we should deal with these feelings.

In contact with others, we create our personal emotional filter. For some, certain feelings are not allowed to be felt, while for others these feelings are simply not allowed to be expressed. Or certain feelings may not be expressed with certain behaviours, but may be expressed with others.

Mechanisms of learning are on the one hand Prohibitions and bans ("Don't cry!"), on the other hand also Attributions ("You're tired!" instead of angry, for example), but also the Model learning so that children "take over" the substitute feelings of the caregivers or transfer real feelings to all kinds of situations „.

This makes it understandable that "big city cowboys" neither cry nor know pain, because they learnt early on that "Indians" don't know pain either and wouldn't show it at all. Instead, they are allowed to come across as confused and withdrawn or even make a fuss. Accordingly, "little princesses", who are supposed to be sweet (for princes), are not allowed to get angry or annoyed: Sadness or a depressive mood, however, is still allowed. In general, however, it can probably be said that (old) stereotypes of this kind are dissolving and are being replaced with the neosexual revolution over the last twenty years.

What function and mode of action substitute feelings have

Substitute feelings have the origin of Protection of the person to meaning. In a situation of dependence and being at the mercy of others, substitute feelings are useful adaptations that ensure social survival and integration.

Substitute feelings are the little ones' contributions to conciliatory family life. They practically pay the subscription price without knowing about the possibility of cancellation.

In adult life, however, in the much sought-after here and now, the protective mechanism of habit (and rationalised conviction) is still active, but unnecessarily, inappropriately and often excessively. Its mode of action then corresponds more to a "self-imposed prison".

For others, substitute feelings sometimes seem like Attempts at manipulation, sometimes even with a blackmailing flavour. This so-called "risk management" formulated in the TA. Racket behaviour is then an expression of one's own passivity, which (unconsciously) prompts others to act.

With the "offended liverwurst", it quickly becomes clear how powerful the retreat is with sobs and slamming doors. Full of reproach, they retreat and those left behind in confusion quickly endeavour to undo things. At best. In general, the exaggerated grand emotional gestures ("I can't stand this any longer", "I've always wanted to tell you what I think...!" etc.) are more an indication of racket behaviour, where the substitute feelings are first collected and then paid out all at once (redeeming the stuffed discount stamp booklet), rather than being clear, appropriate expressions of emotion. But when it comes to feelings, according to popular opinion, things can go a little haywire. Why actually?

As we mistakenly assume that others can make us feel, we consequently blame them (e.g. "You're making me angry!"; "You must despair."). In mediation, for example, the concept of substitute feelings draws attention to the fact that the participants themselves are responsible for their feelings and their emotional experience - despite all social and cultural contextualisation. And it represents one of the The most important task in mediation is to moderate these emotional worlds - because they are also part of a communication relationship in which the entire "origin story" is also present. This makes this one of the most complex areas of work for mediators - and one of the most exciting to boot.

How to recognise substitute feelings

Have substitute feelings atmospherically the "wrong tone" and a "bland flavour", you do not smell, but odour and smell stale. Their tendency towards constant repetition makes us sit up and take notice. We usually recognise them afterwards and after a whole series of experiences. Substitute feelings appear artificial and lead to the vague impression of being exploited ourselves.

The following questions are helpful and can assist you in tracking:

• Do I myself or others get a bad feeling when I express my feelings? Do I feel used or exploited? (Be careful not to answer in the affirmative too quickly and check whether your own prejudices and substitute feelings answer the questions ;-))
• Is there a plausible, functional connection between the reason and the feeling expressed?Can the germ of a constructive solution be derived from the emotional expression? (You can react angrily to loss at times, but sadness is functionally appropriate...and pain. So the anger should subside in the short term, otherwise it smells like a substitute feeling).
• If the feeling or the behavioural expression has a Tendency to repeat?
• If the emotional expression and behaviour smells of a position of the Drama triangle?

How to deal constructively with substitute feelings 

It is also worth contributing to constructive communication at an emotional level. Firstly, this includes not encouraging rackets and, if in doubt, refraining from any further intervention. This is because substitute feelings are a highly complex and sensitive issue. Their substitute character is not felt or consciously recognised. Even appreciative confrontations are quickly experienced as heartless, hurtful and arrogant. Nobody gives up their substitute feelings just like that. After all, that would be a drastic loss. This is why people often initially react with anger (as a substitute).

Highest guideline for the social Dealing with substitute feelings is self-observation and self-clarification: Where do we ourselves have difficulties with certain feelings and are subject to clouding and substitute feelings in feeling and expressing our feelings?

• The safest reaction to substitute feelings is respect and recognition (even if they are not recognised!). Do not allow yourself to be put off. Respect for the (different) being of others is an unconditional prerequisite for constructive progress.
• Little attention to the specific racket behaviour, full attention to the person!
• Do not draw attention to contradictions without a (clear relationship) agreement ("Under what conditions is it okay for you that I raise this issue?"; "May I draw your attention to contradictions in the context of this mediation?").
• If in doubt, not or only in one-to-one discussions (shuttle mediation!).
• Address contradictions carefully but clearly ("I saw you sad earlier after you had a short temper. If I saw myself in your shoes, I would be angry. What is it about your sadness?")