5 services for which you should not pay a mediator

and 3, for which you can't pay enough!

Please don't help, it's hard enough as it is!

There are a number of „services“ that are not worth spending money on as a party to the conflict. The conflict is neither dealt with or resolved appropriately, nor do the parties to the conflict gain anything from it.

You or your conflict partner should not pay the mediator for the fact that

 

  1. You are constantly Rescue impulses exposed. Conflict parties do not need rescuing, but Constructive support. And that's not the same thing! A rescuer rescues because otherwise he cannot be rescued himself. He dedicates himself to others in need because he is in need himself and has no idea how to solve his misery. This doesn't mean that mediators shouldn't also have conflicts or strokes of fate in their lives, but that's why they call in a mediator or counsellor instead of looking after others„. So Pay attention to whether the mediator needs to save you or whether he could also let you be in your conflict. Use only one A mediator who could do otherwise and leave you alone. Then you have a free, self-confident mediator.
  2. Don't buy‘ a mediator whose conviction is that, deep down in our hearts, we humans are quite peaceful beings are and live in harmony by nature if it weren't for …(insert optional term: capitalism, the lawyers, the others in general or the system in general). This conviction is merely a wish of the mediator that is far removed from reality, which you then have to deal with in mediation. And that can really suck.
  3. Just as you should not use any kind of Peace ideology figures – just as little as for Ideology of war. In both cases, you and your conflict partner fall mentally „behind“ with your very specific situation! With such mediators, you have to play a role in someone else's script instead of being able to deal with your conflict situation. If you pay for boxing, you also want to see a boxing match. After all, it is a consensual activity, according to consensual rules, with clear process guidelines and a clearly negotiated solution.
  4. You should also not pay a mediator who is permanently complains about the legal system and believes that mediation is the smarter, better alternative. This mediator has no idea! (If you would like to find out more about the legal system and mediation, you can find an article here.) He may tell a few horror stories about how things sometimes go in court, but has no sense of how much more civilised this procedure is compared to the situation that would exist without it. He also has no idea that professional and socially relevant mediation is growing on the basis of modern law. Thanks to the law, our differentiated societies are to an astonishingly high degree free of violence and well organised. Just take a look at road traffic: Tons of potential for conflict at every junction! And we race around every day in a potential battlefield with our children and loved ones, free of thoughts and worries. Even helmet-free on our bikes! It is above all sensible law that has taught us humans mindfulness throughout history and continues to do so today. And those who today believe they have to give advice with the help of ethics and always keep ethical guidelines in mind when judging others hardly realise how intensively the law grew and matured centuries ago.  Mediation is by no means the better way for everyone and all conflicts, and in the majority of cases it is one that the law has paved and over which it watches on a daily basis. (Pathos ends here.)
  5. If the mediator also Professional expertise you should pay him for this if you like and he can give you professional advice. But then pay him as an expert, not as a mediator. (You can of course also pay him as a mediator, but then he should also do the following…)

 

You should pay a mediator to do this if he can:

 

  1. It is worth paying a mediator for the fact that he or she engages with you and your difficult or even difficult situation and works with you seriously on a solution, moderates you and your ambiguities and emotions and structures them in a helpful way. Getting seriously involved in this task and yet not becoming part of the (conflict) problem, but part of the solution, requires a good deal of professionalism, dedication and optimism. Optimism in general! But more on that in a moment. Getting involved in this way also means Enduring uncertaintythat this will end well for you, even if you do not resolve the conflict in this mediation.
  2. You should recognise the mediator for his natural Optimism and his resulting confidence pay that the situation is not hopeless, but can be clarified and regulated. Few things are more stimulating and conducive to change than confidence and recognition from third parties. Being successful in front of others boosts self-confidence (even for high-ranking managers). A frequently observed turbo in practice, but – as far as can be seen – underlit in the theory of mediation.
  3. But now to the levels of effort: The mediator is primarily there to (1.) the The first step is to recognise, accept, unfold and stop the complexity of the situation, so that (2.) you and your conflict partner have time and space to experience it, study it, feel it and realise that you cannot avoid (3.) acknowledging it and dealing with it amicably, in order to then (4.) fold it in again, reduce it to manageability and go your way in a clear way. This is the Art, craftsmanship and science of mediation. The complexity does not arise because there is a conflict, rather the conflict shows that the complexity has already existed for a long time: simply because you, as different people, want to achieve something together, even if it is only to live side by side in peace. You are not paying the mediator because he or she is a philanthropist who deeply regrets that you are arguing. You pay because he gets to work with you, to accept the contradictory, confused and interwoven nature of problematic and dilemmatic perspectives and presents itself to you for processing and clarification in a way that helps you to deal with it. That is why it is also It is not entirely correct to say that the mediator does not contribute to the solution. He does indeed. But not in the way that was possible in a world whose complexity was still below the threshold of perception, in which the solution was still black or white or at best grey. Today, the world is colourful and we know it and can no longer change it. In the VUKA World mediators are very helpful navigation aids, or rather navigators.

That, dear reader, is worth every euro that is asked of you. But check what you get in return.

 

Oh yes, I owe you a word on optimism: the Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahnemann After all his years of research into human decision-making, if he had one wish for his child, he would not wish for health, money, influence or intelligence, but simply optimism. This seems to entail everything else.