The concept of psychological games in transactional analysis
Part 5: Selected psychological games for conflict counselling
Courtroom; tumult; overburdened; if you weren't etc.
Introduction
The psychological games are a Concept of transactional analysiswhich deals with communicative patterns of a manipulative nature. Most of these psychological games are destructive in nature. Already Eric Berne, the founder of transactional analysis, was instrumental in developing this concept. With his - one could say - bestseller "Games People Play" (1964), he was instrumental in the early success of transactional analysis as a school of humanistic psychology.
In this fifth and final part of our short series of articles, we look at individual games, most of which have already been described by Berne and which we have organised here using the concept of the drama triangle. With the help of so-called. Jump labelslinks to jump to the individual games and then back via the „top“link, you, dear reader, can complete our little five-part series on psychological games as you wish.
We are of course happy to receive feedback and recommendations.
Small series of articles on the psychological games of transaction analysis:
1. rescue games
Psychological games can be started from the saviour role. The communicative signalling effect („invitation“) is aimed at potential game candidates who "want" to take on the role of persecutor or victim. This terminology is based on the concept of the drama triangle, which we have already presented.
a) I only wanted to help you.
Thesis
The supposed saviour acts on the idea that no one will ultimately do what they advise. And yet the rescuer makes such great suggestions.
Benefit
The supposedly rescuing person succeeds in covering up their own inadequacy, focussing on the incompetence of others and not having to deal with themselves and their own feelings of guilt. It also makes you feel good or relieved to experience the ingratitude of others.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
The player opening that saves the day is exaggerated offers of help and unsolicited advice. This can range from exaggerated offers („You can call me anytime.“) to crude suggestions (“ So, if you ask me, …“).
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
How can you respond to this antithetically so as not to act in the role of victim or persecutor? Well, it is perfectly sufficient to politely but firmly reject the advice and offers of help. You can usually respond briefly and succinctly to answers that lack the question: „I'll think about your suggestion“, is quite sufficient.
Insofar as a change of role occurs in the following, no attempt should be made to save – i.e. to solve the psychological problem(?) that should have become apparent in the game invitation now „reflectively“ or the like.
b) Poor you
Thesis
The rescuer (unconsciously) harbours the idea that the other person cannot really and properly live their life.
Benefit
By reacting to the (supposed) weaknesses and inadequacies of others with pity or similar clinging feelings, this game also makes one's own weaknesses seem bearable, insofar as they were or are perceived at all.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
Exaggerated compassion, sticky pity(s) and the like serve as a prelude.
- „Poor you, that must be terrible “
- „If I were you, I would be devastated “
- „You look terribly worn out “
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
How can we react to such devaluations, which are ultimately expressed in them? Rejection, without pardon and discussion, which is admittedly not easy. Emphasise your – recently demonstrated – problem-solving skills! An important building block for this is psycho-hygienic prevention work: How have I mastered my previous crises? What helped me, what was a hindrance?
Remark
If the hidden devaluations are confronted, there is a risk that games will be started that have an increasingly symbiotic character
Motto:
- What would you be without me!
- What would I be without you!
In any case, look for (further) support elsewhere.
c) Therapy
Thesis
The rescuer knows better what the others think, feel and why they ultimately do what they do.
Benefit
Here too, as with every „saviour game“, the player's opening and execution ultimately serve to avoid having to deal with their own problems. They support self-affirmation by diagnosing others as in need of therapy, but also as capable of therapy. („If I can treat you, I must be okay. “)
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
Often – here, too, unsolicited – interpretations of other people's behaviour are ultimately used.
- „Recently at a seminar, I had to think of you “
- „Now, reading this excellent book, I know what your problem is “
- „Have you ever thought about how it is that you …!“
- „Don't you find it strange that you …!“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
How can you respond to this without starting a game of – persecutor or victim? A clear, unambiguous formulation of wishes that simply rejects the problem without being prepared to argue about it can sometimes help here.
- „I don't like listening to what you say. I'd rather talk / do something nice with you now.
- „But you can also take up the topic without getting into it right away: „What do you think your part in the problem is? What have you realised about yourself?
- „That's your interpretation, not mine!
- „I don't want to be your patient. Would you like me as a patient? “
- „What do you cost?“
Remark
Transactional analysis itself, the catchy concepts, the everyday language, the enlightening because psychologising modelling are particularly well suited as a content basis for this game.
2. chasing games
Psychological games can be started from the role of pursuer. The communicative signalling effect is aimed at potential game candidates who "want" to take on the role of victims or rescuers.
a) Courtroom
Thesis
The person being persecuted simply assumes that they are right, that they are right to accuse, make accusations and are on the right side. But that is not enough, the others should also confirm this.
Benefit
Feeling in the right, encouraged, is a moment of triumph that makes the dejection and hardship seem momentarily unfelt. Putting others down helps to feel elevated; exposing others helps to hide one's own shame.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
- „Now I want to tell you what … (B) … has done…“
- „What do you think? What do you think about it? “
- „That can't be true, it wouldn't have happened before…!“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Under no circumstances should you go into the facts of the case; refrain from making any reference to this matter, not even in a subordinate clause that it is actually of secondary importance, etc. Sometimes a provocative question along the lines of:
- „Shall I be your judge here too?“
- What judgement have you already made?
- „Talk to him directly instead of asking me for a judgement “
Remark
Mediators and conflict counsellors, as well as managers, are often asked into such courtrooms by the conflict parties and employees.
b) Look what you've done
Thesis
The persecuting person does not take responsibility for a mishap or damage because they assume that they have only done what others wanted them to do. They do not accept the guilt that goes hand in hand with the action…
Benefit
The benefit of this game is, on the one hand, not to feel your own fears that arise in the face of your own responsibilities – and ultimately to shift responsibility altogether.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
This game can be opened in many ways from a chasing perspective.
- „Should I … do this or that …?“
- „Tell me what to do?“
- „I rely on you (completely) “
- „If you say so, then that's what I'll do “
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Do not respond to the request to give advice – at least not until you have explicitly examined this game and have been able to discard it. If advice, recommendations or the like have nevertheless been given and there is basically a sustainable (love or work) relationship, then you can also provocatively and ironically, but lovingly and humorously, take all the blame…
Remark
This game is important for (conflict) counsellors! Check to what extent you have encouraged your client, mediator, etc. to play this game with you. Is an accusation possibly even justified?
c) Tumult
Thesis
Tumult players unconsciously assume that only enough tumult has to be organised or exist for a problem not to have to be solved or for the work to be left alone. The greater the turmoil, the greater the distance between the problem and the pressure to solve it.
Benefit
The benefit is clear, responsibility does not have to be taken on. Sometimes it also serves to prevent the closeness that comes with responsibility in an associated relationship.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
Wild provocations, immoderate insinuations lead the way into the turmoil, e.g. in the form of slamming doors, wildly running around, shouting etc.
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
It usually helps to end the game or not to accept the invitation to your own indignation, which would only lead to turmoil, to simply paraphrase the other person, to mirror what they have said and how they have said it.
(In football, class differences can sometimes be seen in the – deliberate(!) – tactic of destroying the game of others by organising turmoil into which the others are to be drawn. The Dutch, for example, tried in vain to win the 201o World Cup final against Spain in this way. The game became known as „Spain vs Voetbal brutal“, in ironic reference to Amsterdam's 1970s „foetbal total“ game).
It also helps to make a clear agreement beforehand(!) not to run away loudly, but to solve the problem together. Agree on fixed times. The turmoil sometimes comes up from within… and needs good ventilation.
Remark
Often found in learning processes (school) and detachment processes (family), but of course also in love and work relationships. Of course, the game can also be played with a pointed victim role.
d) Gotcha, you bastard
Thesis
The persecutor senses (unconsciously) the ability to make others feel bad and uses these strategies to avoid dealing with their own problems.
Benefit
Catching others, triumphing over them so to speak, gives you the upper hand, makes you feel victorious and gives you a sense of importance. The fact that these feelings of victory come at the expense of others who have not said „yes“ to this does not initially prevent the benefit.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
Agreements are made (with a back door), agreements are initiated that could not be honoured from the outset. They only serve the purpose of heralding the breach of the agreement and feigned disappointment. Authorisations are required for a semi-public reproach.
- „Say‘, didn't you want…?!“
- „Didn't we agree that you…?!)
- „Well wait, I was just waiting for that…!“
- „I knew you…!“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Change the subject. What is really important? What is essential? Agree where you can – and immediately clarify why and why it is important that the other person is now right. Where does this approach lead? What happens?
Complementary game
- Kick me! (Sacrifice play)
- Always me! (Sacrifice play)
Remark
Very popular in mediation, as it helps to release pent-up anger and the mediator can be put under pressure to make decisions. It is therefore not uncommon for „rules of dialogue“ or even „discussion agreements“ to be used in a similar way to moderation to denounce the mediator or moderator if one of their rules is not adhered to. First, however, the other party is dragged before the judge for being a bastard.
e) Isn't it terrible! (not a victim game)
Thesis
The depravity of others is denounced here without taking on the role of a victim. Instead, the indignation creates a connection with the supposedly right side; the observation and description of impoverishment creates friends.
Benefit
This is also the benefit: Joint accusers sympathise with each other. Accusers develop empathy for each other. Strengthening identity through devaluation and demarcation with the confirmation and containment of like-minded people.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
- "Isn't it bad..."
- "Look where we've come..."
- "No wonder..."
- "OMG..."
- „…Exactly my sense of humour…“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Change the topic if you can no longer just let it rush through, which is an even better idea. If you want to get involved, address the aspects of the topic that seem changeable. Ask about the specific wishes for change, the naysayers' own contributions, etc.
- „What do you actually want to do about it? “
- „What can you do now? “
- „I think it's nice that you don't have any flaws...“
Complementary game
- I'm just trying to help... (saviour game)
Remark
The game can also be played from a victim role, so that it is less about feelings of anger and more about feelings of powerlessness.
Less of a game and more of a ritual or pastime is the lament of a cultural pessimist, if the aim is to establish an upright connection and contact with the dialogue partner.
f) Defects
Thesis
A flaw can always be found, at least one error must be pointed out.
Benefit
Oh, your own insecurity and annoyance about your own mistakes and shortcomings, which wear you down and make you desperate, can be made "invisible" in the short term if the fault is found in others!
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
The first step is to point out the flaw in the other person, which has a belittling effect.
- „The dress doesn't match the hairstyle at all...“
- „He's not even a professional...“
- „Dirty shoes..., that's not going to work…“
- „He doesn't even speak English...“
- „Only 21..., oh my goodness…“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
- „You have discovered the flaw, now you will also find the advantages?“
- We all have our strengths and weaknesses... „
- „You are focussing one-sidedly on the negative aspects, which are of secondary importance here. I'm out, I'm not in the mood for that “
- „A flaw is a special feature. What else is there to discover and report? “
Complementary game
- Overloaded (sacrifice play)
- Kick me (O)
g) That's not what I meant!
Thesis
The persecutory indignation that one did not mean what is claimed is based on the idea that others only think of themselves and in their narrow perspective. You have to become a persecutor, correct the ideas of others, set them straight and ensure the right idea, because otherwise it won't happen: The others only think of themselves.
Benefit
This idea inevitably leads to the conclusion that they must be wrong and dismissive if they don't understand what you mean (and have said!). In this way, emotional and cognitive control can be maintained, or at least the idea can be harboured that this is possible in principle – and relationship complexity can be mitigated in this way. The realisation that you cannot control others, especially in terms of what they think about you, is „ delayed“.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
- At first, the pursuer attracts attention;
- As a rule, offers of relationships that are not meant seriously are also made or
- even made promises that cannot be kept
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
It's best to say no right from the start or at least check exactly what the dialogue is about.
Complementary game
- Kick me! (Sacrifice play)
Remark
Frequently encountered in interpersonal relationships in order to maintain control. The change between the phase of closeness and rejection is often abrupt. The process is usually repeated in such relationships – and becomes recognisable.
3. sacrificial games
Psychological games can, of course, also be started from the role of victim. The communicative signalling effect is aimed at potential game candidates who "want" to take on the role of persecutor or rescuer.
a) Stupid!
Thesis
As long as I act stupid and sometimes think I am („am“), everyone around me is happy and in a good mood.
Benefit
The stupid thesis helps to justify to oneself, but even more so to others, to one's own social public, so to speak, that there is no need to think, consider and weigh up what one's own problems and challenges now require as a personal response; in short, to take responsibility for oneself. In the end, this can be used to garner attention and benefits out of pity („saviour role“) or out of a sense of duty („persecutor role“).
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
Frequent, unnecessary enquiries, the answers to which are clearly not processed, considered or valued. Seemingly obvious disregard for existing and relevant information.
- „Now I'm confused, what is trump?“ (Skat etc.)
- „I don't understand “ (for the hundredth time)
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Don't pay attention to the stupid behaviour, just ignore it, change the subject. Don't laugh at these "stupid behaviours", which may come across as „cute“, „clumsy“ etc. Refuse repetition.
- „I don't find your behaviour funny “
- „I don't think so for you “
- „Are you successful with the strategy of pretending to be stupid? “
Remark
"Dumb players" act out aggression through their passivity in the transactional-analytical sense and can paralyse conversations and work processes in this way.
b) Overloaded!
Thesis
This victim role is activated by trying or believing that everything has to be done immediately. The victim person confirms and reinforces the idea that they are irreplaceable for the cause that cannot be delayed. Over and over again.
Benefit
The psychological benefit is a certain degree of protection against closeness or the unconscious control of closeness; it enables exhaustion, existential worries and the like to be brought into the relationship battlefield against the social demands of potential close partners.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
- „But first I absolutely have to…“
- „Same!“ (for the -xth time)
- „You don't even want to know what else I have to do!
- „The way you work, I'd like to be able to go on holiday sometime “
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
- „You can go at your own pace and allow yourself to rest “ (Relationship status?)
- „Why don't you manage to stop when you realise you can't? “
- „I don't want to know when you can't, but when you have time “
Remark
From the point of view of passivity, it is a form of agitation; often „motivated“ in the unconscious, an assumed banishing message called „Don't make it!“ or „Don't take yourself seriously!“, which manifests itself in the inner driver of „Be perfect!“ or „Always be strong!“.
c) Kick me!
Thesis
„Always me?!“ or „Why does it always happen to me?!“ or „Me again?!“
Benefit
The provoked, downright sought-after rejection confirms beliefs, personal („unconscious“) assumptions. The negative attention received is subjectively better than the risk of not receiving any attention at all.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
(Dis)disturbing, socially out-of-place behaviour are appropriate game invitations, annoying behaviour, penetrating behaviour. (Currently, as these lines are being written, #JanaausKassel is providing a fitting example.
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
No giving compliments by fishing, it has always been said. Please, no self-deprecation around me. I don't like it when you belittle yourself. Please stop doing that. I don't like what you're doing, but I won't tell you off for it.
Remark
Often played by people who have no idea about and no experience with positive benefits.
d) If you were not
Thesis
If there wasn't always a specific person there, then the persecuting person could set off and wouldn't be hindered.
- „If you didn't always have to work, then I could go dancing with you…“
- „If you weren't always…, then I could….what I've always wanted…“
Benefit
Thanks to this „personal obstacle“, to which the persecuting person can shift responsibility, their own fear, excitement and despondency are not felt or recognised.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
- „If you weren't working so much, I could also…“
- „If you hadn't been born, I could have...done it.“
- „If I hadn't started in your team, I would be today...“
- „It was clear from the beginning that you wouldn't support me...“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Do not respond to the hidden or obvious accusation, ask about the wishes, needs and perceived obstacles – without wanting to save. Make it clear where specific responsibilities exist.
- „What were your reasons for joining my team?
- „Wer, ich?“
- „Then why are you still here and putting up with me?“
- „What do you need to get started? “
- „How can I support you? “
- „Yes, it's really hard to take the first step “
Complementary game
- Poor me…
- I'm just trying to help you…
Remark
In so-called fear avoidance games, it is regularly the case that the fear continues to work in secret – and is rationalised. But don't become a rescuer or persecutor because of this!
e) Wooden leg
Thesis
„Look, I've… had a wooden leg/ a difficult childhood/ two left hands… – you can't expect more from me.
Benefit
Excuses as visible and explainable reasons for not taking responsibility for one's own situation. Anxiety-ridden situations can understandably be avoided, and regret, pity from others, but also exaggerated support and the like are alluded to.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
- „You see, I would love to, but I have …a wooden leg…“
- „What else I have to mention, I can't talk in front of people (I get blotches, coughing fits etc.)“
- „Well, I don't know English, I come from the East…(but I don't know Russian either, it hasn't been needed for twenty years.)“
- „That wouldn't have happened if I didn't (have a wooden leg)“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Don't listen, let it rush through, change the subject.
- „And what will you do? “
- „You decide against it?“
- „I am convinced that you can do your best even with a wooden leg “
- „What do you want? I'm not asking for anything from you personally “
Complementary game
I'm just trying to help you
Remark
This persecutory game is also a game of fear avoidance; the wooden leg can be an illness or an annoying blemish, but also excessive obligations and social circumstances (workload!)
f) Schlemihl
Thesis
I can spread chaos and still be forgiven.
Benefit
On the one hand, the player can reduce his aggression, and on the other hand, he also receives forgiveness.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
Clumsiness, tactlessness, clumsiness
- „Oops, how could that happen to me again…“
- „Oh, can you forgive me for that again...“
- „Please, can you apologise for that again...“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
- „I am annoyed and expect compensation “
- „No, I'm not excusing their behaviour “
- „Stop apologising to yourself “
- „I do not accept your apology “
- „How will you repair the damage? “
- „Would you like to break this too? “
Remark
Here, the "perpetrator" succeeds in acting out aggressive impulses covertly in the mask of the "victim of himself"...The real triumph, however, is that he is not called to account for this, even though this is possible in principle – this gives him power. He "leaves" the others in their patronising attitude.
g) Poor me
Thesis
Because I am helpless, the others should/must solve my problems.
Benefit
There is no need to take personal responsibility, pity and being misunderstood by "saving" others.
Opening, Invitation, Attractive trap
The explanations of the personal drama sound whining, exaggeratedly helpless and narrow (excess of powerlessness)
- „It's just all too much for me...“
- „I'll never manage that...“
- „I am completely alone and overloaded...“
Antithesis, rejection, non-entry
Advice and assistance are not requested in this game and are usually not asked for, but arise from "saviour impulses". It is therefore important to put your own support for the other person on a contractual, i.e. compatible footing in order to avoid making a mistake.
- „What do you need to help yourself? “
- „How would you best help yourself? “
- „Would you like to cry with me? Do you need comfort from me? “
Complementary game
"Poor you!"
Remark
The game is often intended to help people get through life's upheavals without having to make any changes of their own and, above all, without increasing their responsibilities.
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